so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
