I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize