Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
