Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Someone signed my nipple.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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