i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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