i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
