Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize