i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
