dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I can't turn off my feet"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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