Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
