my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
