Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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