I must be too annoying 4 u.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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