My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
