what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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