do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
