Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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