She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize