I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
