Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
should my penis look like a turkey
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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