Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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