I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize