I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
