i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize