The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
