I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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