so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
