If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
