I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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