I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
