i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
