He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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