Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Randomize
