last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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