My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
