i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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