I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
