Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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