Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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