I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Randomize
