saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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