youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
