Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize