look no pants
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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