Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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