Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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