I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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