So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
