capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
