His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
