my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Houston, we have a blender
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
