so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
