I just cut my nipple shaving
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
