Will you blow on my dice?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
