Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The air was thick with penises
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I think your dad took our porno
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
