It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
How does one acquire holy water?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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