i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
