I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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