My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
