This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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