sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize