did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
