My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
