these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
