im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
