I like to think it a success when the cops are called
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
