Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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