Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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