Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
