Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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