shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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