you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
