did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You may now shotgun with the bride
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
