my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
